Fostering Equity in Marriage: A Jewish Response to Harrison Butker’s Commencement Speech
Noam Raucher, MA.Ed — Executive Director, Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs
The remarks made by Harrison Butker during his commencement speech, suggesting that women’s highest fulfillment comes from roles as wives and mothers rather than through their careers, have sparked considerable debate. While Butker was coming from and speaking to a separate faith community entirely; this discourse provides a critical moment for reflection within the Jewish community. Particularly concerning the balance between traditional values and the pursuit of gender equity in marriage.
Harrison Butker’s speech emphasized a traditionalist Christian view called “gender complementarianism”. It’s the idea that men and women are equal but designed for different tasks. Men are designed to work outside the home, women to do all household tasks, raise children, etc. This idea only works in heterosexual marriages because it relies on rigid gender norms. It also only works in households that only need one income. Butker can easily promote this idea because he’s a professional football player.
He critiqued what he termed the “diabolical lies” of women being encouraged to pursue careers, suggesting such aspirations detract from their “true” roles. This stance has ignited a broader discussion on gender roles and societal expectations across different cultures and religions.
Judaism holds a rich tapestry of interpretations around the roles and responsibilities of both men and women in marriage. Central to Jewish marital values is the concept of “help-mate” (Hebrew: ezer kenegdo), which originates from Genesis and describes the role of a partner in a relationship. Far from suggesting subservience, this term implies a deep partnership of equals, each supporting the other’s needs and aspirations. Moreover, Jewish feminist scholarship is critical of the statements made in the “Woman of Valor” poem from Proverbs 31 as the biblical archetype for promoting the subservient role of what Butker champions.
Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play underscores the importance of fairness and shared responsibilities in maintaining healthy relationships. Her system of dividing household tasks and responsibilities evenly can be particularly insightful for Jewish families striving to integrate traditional values with a commitment to modern egalitarian principles. Rodsky’s key premise — that clear communication and equitable division of labor are fundamental to marital success — resonates with the Jewish emphasis on mutual respect and partnership. Please note that while this article is written for men in heterosexual couples, the principle of equity in partnership can and should be applied to all couples.
Jewish Men- Integrating Jewish Values with Equity: For Jewish men seeking to ensure equity in their marriages, progressive Jewish values offer a framework for nurturing a relationship where both partners feel fulfilled and valued:
Mutual Respect and Partnership: Practice open dialogue about each partner’s aspirations and goals. This can involve discussions about career ambitions, family planning, and personal development, ensuring that both partners have equal opportunities to pursue fulfillment. Jewish tradition and Rodsky’s principles both emphasize the importance of collaboration in relationships. Jewish men are encouraged to actively involve their partners in making decisions that affect both the family and individual aspirations.
Equitable Division of Labor: In many Jewish households, sharing domestic responsibilities is seen as essential. This not only applies to day-to-day tasks but also to larger decisions like education for children, financial planning, and religious practices. Inspired by Rodsky’s Fair Play, Jewish households can benefit from explicitly agreeing on who is responsible for what chores and duties. The Jewish value of shalom bayit not only promotes fairness but also emphasizes the principle of maintaining a balanced and peaceful home.
Support for Professional and Personal Growth: Jewish teachings, support the idea of work as a form of dignity and self-expression. Pirkei Avot teaches that one should occupy themselves both with Torah study and work: “Excellent is the study of the Torah together with a worldly occupation; for the exertion in both of them causes sin to be forgotten.” Jewish men can actively support their partners’ professional endeavors through practical means such as sharing household duties equally, as well as through emotional support and encouragement. Respecting and supporting one’s spouse’s career and personal development is a critical aspect of an equitable marriage. This includes sharing responsibilities at home to ensure both partners can pursue professional opportunities, a principle that is both traditionally Jewish and underscored in Rodsky’s work.
Spiritual and Emotional Support: In Judaism, marriage is not merely a contractual agreement but a sacred covenant that encompasses spiritual, emotional, and physical dimensions. Jewish men can look to provide support in these areas, fostering an environment where both partners can grow and flourish as equally as possible. Following Rodsky’s suggestion, couples might benefit from regular meetings to discuss their household management and personal needs, ensuring ongoing alignment and satisfaction in how responsibilities are handled.
One final thought… Harrison Butker’s comments offer a pivotal moment for introspection within the Jewish community about gender roles and marriage. By integrating the timeless wisdom of Jewish teachings with the practical strategies from Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play, Jewish men can play an essential role in fostering marriages that are not only equitable but also deeply rooted in respect and mutual support. This approach does not merely counteract narratives like Butker’s but enriches the Jewish matrimonial tradition with a renewed commitment to fairness and partnership.
Butker does point out a diabolic lie for us. But it’s not the one he thinks he’s describing. Instead, it’s embedded in what he doesn’t say. The diabolical lie is that this traditional dynamic works and is desirable. Butker repeatedly speaks about the expectation that women should be subservient to and sacrifice themselves on behalf of and for the benefit of their husbands and families. He also dismisses their aspirations when he says that women must put aside their dreams of a career and their own goals. He fails to realize entirely that he is sacrificing something, too. In assuming those traditional gender roles where she is the homemaker and he is the breadwinner, he also suffers loss.
How often do we hear professional athletes criticized because they take one or two days off for the birth of their child? How many of them play entire seasons where they rarely, if ever, see their family? As sports fans, we know that players frequently cite a desire to watch their kids grow up as a reason for their retirement. Forcing both partners into toxic and limiting gender roles that require us to cut off and discard entire parts of ourselves is self-harm. It’s not easy to be a working parent and have it all today. But it’s possible that upon retirement, Butker might say that he regrets he didn’t spend more time with his family. Or perhaps he won’t. In this case, it would seem that he’s the one falling for the diabolical lie about his role in the family.
