No Matter How “Manly” You Are, Masculinity Is Not On The Ballot
By Noam Raucher, M.A.Ed, Rabbi, Life Coach
While we wait to count all the votes, let’s talk about something that’s not on the ballot even if some articles would say otherwise: Masculinity. The authors describe Trump as a chest-thumping alpha-male provider with wanton disregard for the wellbeing of others. And they depict Biden as a more-complex 21st-century male figure who does nothing but sacrifice and serve those he loves- which is everyone. Naturally, we expect that those character styles inform their general approaches to leadership, governances, diplomacy, economics, and policy. See if you can guess which candidate’s focus is “Me” and the other on “We.” All of this should make us realize that we’re not just voting for a President, but a type of man.
But make no mistake about it. No matter who you, your father, grandfather, brother, son, or uncle votes for, our masculinity is not on the ballot.
I genuinely fear what cementing that polarization would do for the male psyche for generations to come. Nor, as a father of two boys, can I stomach the idea of my kids needing to choose a political party based on how they identify as a man. Masculinity isn’t on the ballot because, regardless of who wins, the responsibility to grow into better men has always been part of history. Casting a vote one way or the other doesn’t solidify one’s identity in any way. Working, or not, towards that identity does.
During this tensioned-filled election period, it would be easy to associate the ideas of emotional intelligence, accountability, integrity, compassion, and kindness with voting Democrat. Just as easy as it would be to associate misogyny, ignorance, bigotry, narcissism, and selfishness with being a Republican. Through no fault of their own, those traits exist in all men. Some are more pronounced than in others. And both candidates have been accused of and lauded for things that we would consider both “healthy” and “toxic.” But if masculinity exists in polarities, let’s at least think of these opposites holding a broad spectrum of development in-between. Otherwise, how might one reasonably expect another to grow from the “immature” end of the spectrum to the “mature” end?
And I’ll tell you, friends, watching men grow into mature masculinity is a beautiful thing. What is a mature masculinity? It’s accountability, integrity, emotional intelligence, compassion, kindness, self-love, personal and communal leadership. It’s the image of a man who knows his wounds and turns them into opportunities to comfort others. A man who wears his imperfections and vulnerabilities with pride because he knows they make him stronger.
You might be correct in assuming that Joe Biden already embodies all those traits of the mature masculine. But the reason Biden can identify with that image is that he earned it through intense inner-wrestling. I wouldn’t know if Mr. Biden has ever gone to therapy. Although with everything that he’s experienced in his life, I imagine he’s spoken to a therapist at least a few times. But that’s only part of the “work” to which I refer. What I’m talking about are the moments between sessions, alone in front of the mirror, when Joe had to reconcile between who he was then and who he could be now. It’s the crucible he’s been through in his life that shaped him during those moments of reflection. I wonder many if we can say that we’ve done the type of work that Biden has done, even if we connect with his struggles.
So, it’s essential for all of us who identify as men to remember that voting Democrat only loosely associates one with the image of a “mature man.” Just as it would be to, in my bubble’s perception, loosely associate the idea of an “immature man” with being Republican.
I know this because I’ve seen the real type of work that Biden has gone through first hand. For over a year now, I’ve regularly attended a men’s group in the greater Los Angeles area. My group is part of a larger organization known as the Mankind Project. These are not drug or substance dependency support groups. Nor are they exclusive for divorced or single men. Men of all walks of life and backgrounds participate. But the only identity a man brings is his name and spirit animal. (Mine is “Peaceful Bear.”) It’s a beautiful communal organization, but the central focus is giving men the space to be lovingly seen and heard while practicing integrity, accountability, and emotional intelligence.
In our weekly meetings, we come to share with vulnerability and without shame or judgment. And we come to challenge each other to work hard at fighting the shadows that hold us back so that we can be fully present in society to make the world a better place.
Holding each other accountable in loving ways often looks like the wrestling match we will read about between Jacob and his “shadow” or “sitra achra” in a few weeks. This story resonates with anyone- I would argue men in particular- who wrestles with what society tells them to be and what they want to be. Between who that man is and who he is capable of being. In my group, the struggle occurs in a community of men with trust at its core. That way, the grappling we might feel within or between each other can quickly become an offer for an internal hug, or an actual one, from a brother. Pre-COVID, of course.
When we Genesis 32:22–32, we should ask ourselves why this wrestling match takes place: in the middle of the night, while Jacob is alone, scared, on the run, and hours before he sees his estranged brother, Esau, the first person he ever wounded for the first time since that mutually painful moment. And why it’s so necessary for Jacob to walk away with a limp and a new name, Israel. Spoiler alert: It’s because those are the moments when we can’t escape accountability and when we yearn for integrity and redemption.
It would appear that out of the two candidates, Joe Biden knows Jacob’s struggle more than Donald Trump does. But even if Biden wins, that doesn’t mean men will mature overnight because of the man in the Oval Office. That might only happen when a woman becomes President. And I think we all know that Trumpism is alive, and potentially, well. However, it does mean that there are opportunities for all men to seek a community where they can check themselves so that they don’t fall exclusively into either pole that candidates occupy along the “spectrum of masculinity.”
This election trauma could be an excellent time for Jewish communities to respond by creating men’s integration groups to get the emotional support we need. Yes, I’m assuming that even today, men do not receive the type of judgment-free emotional support that they deserve as human beings. It’s hard to know if the projection about the candidates’ masculinity is entirely correct. None of us stand directly in their shoes. But it may be that the difference between them is that one of them has benefited from a lovingly supporting community that is invested in seeing him grow into mature masculinity, while the other has not.
Don’t think for one second that the Jewish community is ready for something like this. Sure, there are men’s groups in synagogues and JCCs. But none of them come close to being a space for men to be vulnerable without shame. At the moment, any men’s groups that exist do so for social gathering, study, or reflection. But not emotional growth. Creating space for men to be emotionally vulnerable will allow them to wrestle with their inner-darkness as Jacob did and emerge not perfect but more capable of facing their future challenges. And isn’t that what we want for all people, and especially in the President of the United States? To be capable of facing the challenges that confront our country with wisdom and maturity?
